Skinny girl trapped inside

for a few days.  Maybe as long as a couple weeks.  I am moving out of my current place and back in with my ex husband and our kids.  The stress level here I can take no more of.  I need to find my level of normalcy again.  I need to find “me” again.  I don’t like who I am when I’m living here.  I don’t like being 2hrs away from my kids.  I miss them terribly and it’s weighing on my heart like mad.  I am going to be getting a home computer soon.  Probably around the beginning of the month of Sept.

Tonight I got on the scale and seen that I have gained another lb!  That insighted the binge that was to follow.  And what a binge it was too!  I consumed an entire bowl of Reese’s Puffs cereal…a half of a fried sausage (the horeshoe shaped ones)..and an entire grilled chicken meal from McDonalds!  I have no idea what came over me.  It’s depressing beyond belief that I’m allowing myself to do this again! 

I’ve been giving some serious thought tonight of getting back on WW, and sticking to the very low carb lifestyle.  This crash dieting I’ve been doing is obviously NOT working.  I’ll lost 10 and gain 15 back.  It’s ridiculous and after this night, I’m putting a stop to it all!  I’ve decided that I’m going to go on a calorie budget.  I’m going to allow myself ‘x’ amount of calories a day (kinda like WW) and that’s it.  I’m going to start working out everynight and buy some work out tapes.  I have my ipod now which is a great start!  I just need to buckle down and get to it!  So wish me luck, and I hope that the next time I visit ya’ll I’ll have excellent news and some BIG numbers to post!!!

 Until then…

Ahh Friday!  Finally!  I can finally sleep in tomorrow!!  God it’s almost as if I’ve won the lottery!  I fell asleep last night at 9:30.  I’m kinda proud of myself, because normaly I don’t get to bed until atleast 4 then I’m back up at 6:30.  I’ve been so deprived this week of good old fashioned “snore” sleep.  When I was a kid my Grandmother used to call it “snore” sleep when you were so tired you fell into an instant deep sleep the moment your head hit the pillow! LOl!

I’m going to be on my toes this whole weekend with my eating.  My roomie wants to take me out for a chinese buffet tonight when he gets off work.  That’s a death trap for me!  I could eat atleast 2 of the biggest plates you’ve ever seen at a buffet!!  I’m addicted to chinese!  It’s my greatest weakness lol.  I have zilch control when it comes to that stuff.  Maybe I could settle with him for a salad.  If he takes me to a buffet and all I eat is a small salad that’s just a waste of money.  That would be an $8 salad hehe. 

I think I’m getting sick early this year.  Last night I was freezing to death.  Bundled up in jeans and two shirts I was shivering like crazy and could not get warm no matter what I tried.  I did and still do have the sensation that my head is swimming.  Sitting here now, I feel that I could curl back up in bed and sleep the whole rest of the day away without a care.  My stomach is quizzy.  I’m not running a fever.  Doesn’t mean much, as I’ve never been one to run a fever when I get sick.  If I ever start running one, believe that I am sick as a dog!!  Probably be in bed for the next 24-48hrs.  I’m not that bad yet but if feels like it’s just around the corner.  I didn’t go outside yesterday at all.  Maybe I need some fresh air. 

Not much else going on in the world of weight loss today.  I’m not going to weigh in until Monday morning.  Fingers crossed, I’ll stick to my guns this weekend and see a big loss on the scale!  That would be an excellent start to the new week!!  Have a great weekend everyone!!

Well with these past 3 days almost behind me, I’d say my metabolism should be well and truly screwed up!  I’ve eaten like a cow for the past 3 days.  Even as I sit and type this, I’m having this big slice of coffee cake (boy will I be glad when it’s all gone so I won’t be tempted anymore).  I know it’s bad for me.  I’m fast approaching that slippery slope of “not giving a s***” about my weight anymore.  I’d be lying to myself if I said that.  I DO care!  I just can’t seem to get motivated these past few days. 

It will change.  I won’t let myself get all the way back to where I was.  I will find my self again and push myself even harder for the next two weeks. 

I’m not getting on the scale today at all.  My roomie and I both had a “splurge” late last night around 11:30.  So I already know I’m probably up another dang pound.  Then again I guess I could’ve jump started my metabolism and dropped a lb too but I SERIOUSLY doubt it.  I didn’t cave and eat the whole coffee cake still sitting on the counter, but I didn’t have another slice, and then I had several small bites of macaroni salad.  Throw a couple glasses of skim milk in there..then stayed up most the night.  Ya I’d say it’s a pretty sure bet that I gained at least a bit. 

Ok never mind I caved.  I got curious talkin about it…I gained 1.6lbs.  But I feel vindicated now because atleast now I know WHY I gained!  Better than doing everything right and getting on the scale only to see a gain!  That’s the most frustrating shit ever!  I’d rather know, “hey i splurged that’s why you gained another lb on your fat a**”.  Yes, I have to talk to myself like that everyday or I’ll continue to gain lol

Ever notice how most people who are over weight see lettuce, think hmm salad that’s healty, and dig in?  Not realizing that they are probably devouring 400-500 calories in one sitting?    I did that last night.  Roomie brought me a caesar salad from mcds and after devouring thinking I was eating healthy, I jumped online and looked up the calories on that bad boy.  YIKES!  440 calories with the dressing (forgot to tell him to get lowfat)!!!!!  I about fell out of my chair!!  I think that healthy food can be more dangerous to a fat person than fattening food.  Atleast when it’s bad for me I know it, so I don’t eat much.  Salad on the other hand is a food that is naturaly linked to “healthy” in my brain.  So I pig out, realizing only later that I’ve just devoured my entire daily limit in calories on one salad!  I used to watch this show called “I can make you thin” on TLC.  I believe in that series the host mentioned something about that as well. 

I can’t wait to add more excercise into my daily plan.  I should be getting out and getting my outdoor activity (running walking so forth) in while it’s still nice enough at night to do so.  It won’t be for long I know.  The nights have already cooled down to around 63 at night.  Which to me, after months of 80 somethings, is CHILLY BRRRR!  Before long I’m going to have start packing it to the gym again everyday.  Just so I don’t catch pnuemonia and knock my ass out the rest of the winter.  When I get sick, I’m sick for 2 months at least.  I’m hoping to avoid that this winter *fingers crossed*. 

Anywho - my kids are coming over today to visit so I’m super excited about that!!  Can’t wait to see my babies!!!  Everyone have a wonderful hump day!!!!

My private daily thread: starting Tuesday August 12th 2008

Tuesday 08/12/08

Walk = It’s raining

Food intake = slim fast snack bar @ 9:52am/120cals

Hours of sleep = 6:45am -

Water intake = up to 6 glasses now 2 to go

Yesterday I didn’t really get all upset over my measly little 1lb gain, but when I got on the scale this morning and saw another lb!!!  Well that’s a whole new ball of wax!  I’m fast approaching this slippery sloap of heading in the wrong direction completely!  I’m making a mental brick wall and stopping myself from going any further.  I’m no where near close to AF’s visit so that is def not it.  I’m getting in all of my water, taking my pills, watching very closely what I eat.  I’m doing all of that.  The only thing I haven’t been doing is getting in my walks everynight.  That’s going to end TODAY! 

I’m going to mentally, (physicaly if I have to) turn myself around right here, right now, and say NO MORE!  I’m putting a stop to this..”oh it’s only one bite” attitude and gearing myself to think that one bite=one pound!  I sometimes think this when I’m eating it, but it’s never enough to stop me.  I’ll tell everyone how this one bite is going to make me gain 5lbs.  Jokingly of course, because I never think it actually will. 

Here’s my logic.  One bite, actually CAN make you gain 5lbs.  Not from that one bite of course, but that ONE BITE always leads to 5 or 6 more bites.  Rather it be from the same plate or the same dish, w/e, it always leads to a lot more bites of something you shouldn’t be eating.  I had ONE BITE of coffee cake last night, and it was so good it led to a whole piece.  Not a giant piece of course, barely even a sliver, but it still lead to the WHOLE piece!  Then of course before I went to bed I had to devour a piece of bologna just to truly screw up my weigh in this morning.  Even though I went for my walk last night, it apparently didn’t help me out.  Maybe it did.  Maybe I actually gained 2lbs and were it not for my walk last night, I’d be seeing a 2lb gain instead of just 1.  In that case I should’ve walked around another hour!

I am sorely dissapointed in myself today.  I need to start keeping my food journal again, cause sitting here, I can’t think of anything that I had to eat yesterday that would justify this gain.  Except the cake of course.  I know there must have been something else, but I know there wasn’t.  Hell I ate more fish at dinner the other night than what I did last night…maybe it’s just now catching up to me :(  Hmm..well I just must keep better track of what I’m putting in my mouth!!!

I’m an avid blogger!  I love to blog about just about anything but most especially my weight.  I’ve been blogging for about 3 years now on a site called bravenet.com.  Love it there!  But that’s mostly a public “diary” more than anything that follows my daily life, and drama.  Stress, all that.  This blog is all about me and my journey to becoming healthy!  So it’s not unusual to see 2 or so posts a day from me

It’s almost 9:30pm here in CoMo Mizzou and instead of getting ready for bed like so many are around me, I’m getting geared up for a mile walk to the gas station.  I like to take the long way around because it gets me more excercise :) .  When I stayed with my ex for a few days last week, visiting my kids, I was out everynight breakin a big ol’ sweat.  Now that I’m back home, my work out buddie (aka my roomie) has began getting lazy on me.  He never wants to walk with me anywhere, when he used to be the one dragging me out of the house kicking and screaming LOL. 

I def. need my walk tonight since I just devoured a piece of cranberry coffee cake :(  even if it was just a sliver.  I’m sure that “sliver” had about 1000 cals or more!  I need to get my booty out there and work off some of the calories that I’ve put in today.  I had a VERY small helping of Hamburger Helper for supper tonight.  No elegent baked fish dinner tonight.  I think I had maybe a cup..more like a 1/2 cup of it.  It was good but I swear when I eat like that I can feel my stomach growing :(.  I’m pretty sure I’ve gotten all of my water in today at least.  Got my slimquick and water pills in about 7:30 this morning. 

Didn’t sleep a wink last night so I’m actually kinda beat tonight.  Probably sleep like a rock, which is good cause I have to get up at 6am for the next 2 weeks to watch my roomies daughter while he’s at work.  She’s 6, and a DOLL!  Love her to death but our house isn’t very kid friendly.  It’s safe but just nothing really for a child her age to DO.  She watches cartoons all day which is horrible for her.  Think I’ll take her to the park tomorrow and give her something to do atleast.  My way of sneaking in an extra walk as well ;). 

I went on Amazon.com today and looked into getting one of the “Walk Away the Pounds” DVDs.  As well as “Turbo Jam” and a “Yoga for plus size women” DVD.  I’ve always wanted to get into Yoga.  I think that would be an awesome stress release for me.  I love to work out, so what better way to start the day than with a 20 or 30 min yoga session?  Would feel great!  I woke up at 5 one morning and caught a yoga class on FIT network.  I got up and did it and it was totally relaxing and really stretched me out for the rest of the day. 

Some say I’m obsessed…but besides my kids, right now my soul focus has got to be on weight loss.  If I let my mind wander even for one day, I’ll binge and gain 10lbs overnight!  I have to constantly be thinking and focusing on what the scale will say in the morning or next week..it’s never far from my thoughts.  Which keeps me on track and on the right path!  I hope everyone had a wonderful Monday!!!

We had a big dinner last night.  I ended up making fish that was fried in very little olive oil, but not breaded.  I steamed some broccoli for myself and made my roomie a BIG baked potatoe.  To which he added a mountain of butter and ranch dressing of all things. *sigh*  If living with him isn’t enough to inspire me to eat healthy, I have no idea what will!  It was a delicious dinner and I didn’t even add butter to my brocolli.  Doesn’t really need it when it’s steamed. 

Around 1am I fixed myself a piece of whole wheat w/ flax seed bread & peanut butter.  I actually ate the entire slice, but the bread is just awesome!  Think I’ll buy that kind from now on.  If you haven’t tried it, I highly recommend it!  Not “wheaty” at all, very sweet.  So the point is I wasn’t at all surprised when I got on the scale to see me jumped back up the where I was on Saturday.  224.6lbs.  Up from 223.0 yesterday.  I needed to get a good amount of energy in yesterday so my metabolism is well and truly confused again now for 24hrs lol. 

I’m going to push my roomie to make sure we get our walk in tonight.  He’s been slackin the past few days.  I won’t walk around this city by myself…far too dangerous.  I won’t even walk around the trailor park we live in by myself.  I’m sure I’d be fine, but drugs run rampid in this town and you never know when you’re going to come accross a rabid addict who would do ANYTHING to get a fix.  Not that brave thank you! LOL! 

Hope everyone is having a wonderfull week!!!

I guess I really shoud be, but I’m not.  I got on the scale this morning expecting to see at least another 2lbs gone.  I saw 1.6lbs gone.  Which is good.  I know some people struggle with every single lb.  So to wake up everyday and see atleast 1 down, I know I’m blessed.  It didn’t used to be that way.  I have really had to screw with my metabolism to drop weight so quickly.  It seems to be working, so I should just be happy about it.  I knew yesterday that the 7lbs I dropped was incredible!  I knew that I was not going to see another number like that pop up in awhile.  So why, I ask myself, WHY was I hoping to see the same today?  I was being totally unrealistic. 

So now it’s the start of a whole new week.  The start of a whole new “mini-goal”!  My next goal is 215.  I think I should def be able to accomplish that by the end of August.  If I really put my nose to the grindstone and stick to my guns, I CAN DO IT, and I WILL DO IT!!!  I’m taking a break on my slimquick today.  I did take my water pill.  I retain water like crazy.  Slimquick is an awesome additive for energy and all that but with it being so hot out, it seems to mess with my head so I decided I’d pass on it today and catch up tomorrow. 

I took some fresh caught fish out of the freezer or supper tonight.  My roommate wants me to fry it (typical) but I refused.  I’m going to bake it.  Even though we don’t have anything elegant like rosemary, or thyme to put on top it will still be awesome!  I’m a huge fish eater and it has the added bonus of being really good for you!  I haven’t decided what I’m going to make with it.  I could probably bake some potatoes to go with it.  For him of course, I’m off of carbs for the time being.  I could also fry some potatoes and steam some broccoli…think I’ll go for the baked potatoe with the steamed broccoli! Yumm! 

Everyone have a great Sunday!!!

I’m thrilled!  I know I know, I said I wouldn’t weigh myself this weekend, but after such a huge gain yesterday, I had to make myself feel better!  So I jumped on the scale & dang near fell on the floor!  7lbs ladies & gentlemen…7 more lbs gone forever!!  Woohoo!!  Now I did take my water pill yesterday so I’m sure that’s water weight.  Lbs are lbs to me though.  I’m sure not going to complain! 

I can’t wait to get a job so I can go shopping for some new clothes!  I should wait until I reach my goal but my “fat” clothes aren’t going to fit me for that long!  My lg shirts are already hanging on me..my size 18s don’t fit anymore.  My goal size has always been between a 12 and 14.  When I was a teenager I weighed 132lbs and still wore a size 12 so I know that’s a good size for me.  I bet I could fit into a 16 by now so I’m almost there!! 

Last night I found out that I can FINALLY post in the forums!  Super excited about that!  I would love to join a weight loss challenge group!  I have slip ups every now and then and fall completely off track.  It used to be very discouraging to fall off the train and take me days or weeks to get back on track.  Now when I slip up, it gives me a hell of a push to try harder and harder the next day.  That’s an improvement right? 

I’ve had so much drama in my life the past month that I was searching for a good ‘drama free’ song last night on playlist.com.  I found “Just Fine” by Mary J Blige.  That song is my new theme song!  I can’t wait to get a job and become totally independent again.  I’m looking so forward to the day when I can bring in my own money and buy my own things.  That would be a huge stress release for me.  I love to work.  There a couple fast food places hiring right near here but I’m not quite THAT brave yet.  I would gain 20lbs in a week working at Arbys!!  Taco Bell is hiring but the mere smell of that place makes me sick to my stomach.  Hell even the thought of the smell is accomplishing that as I sit here.  Blah! 

Hope everyone is having an awesome weekend!!!  Get out and enjoy the beautiful weather!!