Skinny girl trapped inside

Blog -

Ok so now that my love life is atleast on a plan of reconstruction, it’s time to focus back in on my “weight life”. Time to get the shit under control before I gain back every bit of the 62lbs I’ve lost & then some. I know what I’m doing wrong. I know that all the stress of the past 4-5 months has caused most of my gain back. Well, that & having a bf that loves me for who I am on the inside honestly, doesn’t really help lol. It tends to tell my brain that I can eat whatever I want & gain as much as I want because he will still love me no matter what. Unfortunately, that is not at all how I should be thinking! I need to get my mind wrapped back around the fact that I want to continue to lose this weight for me!

Lately, it’s been so hard for me to lose it. Last year it was just dropping off like water weight, but not anymore. Even when I go back to doing the exact same things I did in the past, it just doesn’t seem to render the same results. I used to watch what I ate like a hawk. I was extremely picky about what & how much I ate. An old aquaintance of mine told me to try Hydroxycut. She didn’t have to tell me it worked great for her, I could tell by the whole person she’s lost since the last time I seen her. I was really amazed. So I talked it over with John, he said that he & Eric had tried them before & that they did absolutely nothing as far as energy or weight loss. I checked around online & many experts are disagreeing as to whether or not it works for weight loss at all. That’s discouraging. So we got the bottle of Zantrex 3 instead. Honestly they really made me feel kinda funny. Gave me a hella headache that seemed to last for days & days. It certainly wouldn’t be because I have a problem with caffeine. Not with as much as I consume on a daily basis lol.

Johns mom takes Vivarin & she accidentally turned me on to it. When she got a new box she gave me a sheet of them & the 1st day I really didn’t notice any difference what so ever. So they sat in my purse for over a month. I was feeling particularly tired one day & decided, what the hell. I took 2 & drank my usual coffee. After 45 mins, I really felt great! My energy was thru the roof! I was virtually bouncing off the walls with so much energy. Would seem kind of a waste to take them during the winter seeing as how there is NOTHING to do but sit all day. Unless 1 has a job, which we unfortunately do not. Hopefully, that is soon to change..fingers crossed!

If I accidentally lose weight, I lose a bunch. However, if I sit & plan out all these steps I’m going to take to lose, I hardly lose a half pound! Probably because I’m trying too hard for 1. I don’t like to work out a lot because muscle weighs more than fat. I’m one of the shallow ones that basis my success on the # on the scale. I do crunches..that’s about as far at the working out goes. I don’t mind doing crunches all day, everyday. I would love to get toned up but I’m not going to worry about that until I get my weight under control. I have really been on a spiral here lately of just eating whatever. I’ve gotten back into eating 2nds! I can’t even believe that! I had completely broken myself of eating more than 1 serving (actual serving size to), & now I’ve really backtracked. Taken at least 5 steps back..grr.

Making myself aware of the issues really does no good. I am considering talking to my Dr. about getting medical help on that end. I know I need mental help as well. Maybe something they could put me on for my ADD would also help on the weight loss end? I need to write these questions down somewhere lol.

Anywho - sorry to those who read on a regular basis for my extended absence. It’s been a pretty rough year. Cheers to the New Year coming soon. May it be much MUCH more cheerful than the one leaving…

So..I’ve been gone for quite a few months..again. I have had the most stress filled summer/fall. It’s just been ridiculous. My fiance & I hope to have an apt before the end of Dec. Then of course a steady internet connection will be at the top of the list of priorities lol. When that happens I know I’ll be back on in full force!

I’ve been browsing around the site for a bit this afternoon & I remember so many of the things I loved about bs that I had forgotten! Thanks to my bs buddy Joy for reminding me to get my booty over here & get started being accountable again :p!! Hope to be back full force soon!

Hope everyone is whipping it in shape & have a wonderful Thanksgiving!!! (((hugs)))

I know I know, it’s about time right?  This summer has just been ridiculously busy!  Still..I haven’t managed to fall completely off track..altho it’s been a close thing.  I’ve lost a few & maintained a few.  I seem to be hovering between the 210-212 mark.  Can’t break that 210 no matter what I do!  I’ll get down to that & then I’ll gain a couple..get back down to it..then I’ll gain a couple.  Seems to be a barrier right there with that damn 10!  Grrr!  It’s 10 lousy lbs!  10lbs away from being out of the 200’s for good & I just can’t seem to get it done..what the hell is going on here?!  It’s a conspiracy I swear it! 

Anyway- I’m off to the forums to stop in with some old buddies!  I hope everyone is still fighting the good fight!!

I’m not too dissapointed in myself but I’m not entirely proud either. All in all I did MUCH better today than I would have this time last year under the same circumstances. We went for pizza at lunch. They had a buffet *sigh* so I had 2 pieces of pizza & 3 cheese sticks. Now last year, I would have had 4 pieces easy, maybe more. I also would have eatin a LOT more breadsticks. So I was some what proud of myself for that. Even though I promised myself I would only have a slice of pizza & no breadsticks. Then for supper, I had a Healthy Choice Lemon Pepper Fish meal. It was 330 cals. I didn’t even eat it all. The dessert was horrible so I didn’t eat it. Nor did I finish all the rice pilaf. Again, I was proud of myself. Then around 7:30..all my hard work just caved on me. I allowed my daughter a box of swiss rolls while we were at the store today. Bad idea. I inhaled 2 packages, PLUS 6 mini hershey bars :(. 3 is a serving size of 220 cals so I inhaled 440 cals plus whatever the swiss rolls were. All in about the span of 30 mins. Needless to say, I have a horrible toothache now & had to resort to my last Darvacet that I’ve been saving for months :(. Not happy about that. Should have tried the Tylenol first but man, it just came outta no where & was VERY painfull.

Funny thought for the day - If you want to lose weight…sit in front of a full length mirror naked while you eat..after about 3 bites I bet your hunger will have magically dissapeared lol

This week has gone so much better than the past 3. I’m relieved to say that I’ve managed to drop a lb from last week. Not my usual 3-5lbs a week but who cares! This month has been the exact opposite for me. I’ve gained 3-5 a week :(. I really hope that this trend has come to an end. I’ve made a lot of changes the past week that are probably the reason for this loss.

I know a lot of ppl drink tea instead of coffee. I started doing that hoping it would aid in my appetite. Instead it made me horribly dehydrated. Even with my 1/2 gal or more of water a day. I know Tea is a diuretic so this doesn’t surprise me. My personal trainer told me a few years back not to drink tea because as a whole it was worse than coffee. Now, I’m sure a lot of ppl will dispute that but everyones body is different I guess. All I know is that tea def didn’t do it for me. So this week I have switched back to coffee. Not every morning, although I would if I wasn’t out grr. Since I started drinking it again, my mood has improved greatly! That I’m certainly happy about as I was slipping into a bad round of depressions :(.

I have been watching my serving sizes more than counting calories. Now this part took a bit to get the hang of, but after a few days it’s really like I don’t even think about it anymore. I just stop eating naturally. I’ll give ya’ll an example. We went out to Golden Corral for their breakfast buffet this morning. Now normally, I would have made atleast 2 trips to the buffet line. Piled up 2 plates full of pork by products & biscuits/hashbrowns..any carb you can name. Now this morning, I made one trip. I made 2 biscuits with gravy & 3 sausage links (small) of which my son threw one on the floor & ate half the other one himself. So I guess I only had 1 whole link. I did eat 1 whole & a half of the other biscuit. I had 2 cups of coffee & a smoke. That was my brkfst. My daughter wanted ice cream. Why they have that stupid machine on at 9 in the morning is beyond me. So I got her some ice cream, & my son a small plate of sugar free jello. I did pay him back for snatching my sausage, but sneaking bites of his jello. But hey, it was sugar free. How bad can it be? Ok back to my breakfast…I pushed my plate away & just relaxed for a min over my coffee. I had every intention of going back for more, but after sitting for a few…I guess the thought just eluded me & I never thought any more about getting up for more. Cool huh? I’ve heard that’s what it’s like on Phen. You just “forget” to eat. You honostly have no desire for food whatsoever. Now I’ve always said they needed to invent a pill that made you nauseas to think about food except for certain times of the day (B, L, D) lol! Now wouldn’t that be a hot seller?

Ok so on the the last thing I did differently this week. I did have to do an enema yesterday. I know gross right? Who cares, no shame in my game..I had to get that Thanksgiving out somehow! So that’s how I did it. Got to say my stomach doesn’t hurt anymore like it has for almost the whole entire last week. Maybe I should do that more often? I have been diagnosed with IBS w/ C. Maybe that has a lot to do with this colon problem I’ve been having. HMMM. Yeah know, if my blog is good for nothing else today, it certainly is ruining your appetite huh? LMAO! Good my job here is done!!!

HAVE A GREAT DAY EVERYBODY!!!

*EDIT* - Well I’m very proud of myself today! I think I’m def back on my game! I did 100 crunches on my stability ball tonight in 2 sets. I also did around 45 bicep/tricep curls. And did the same for the back of my arms..I forget what that muscle is called tho ;). I’m really feeling good right now. Even tho TOM is here :). I didn’t do any WATP dvds tonight but it’s ok cause I danced around this house with my son for about an hour. It was fun & I know I got some cardio in doing that :).

When I was in HS, I used to wake up at 5am & spend from 5 until 7 getting ready for school. Shower, hair, makeup, outfit, the whole nine yards. After I got expelled (loong story) I just stopped. I basically stopped caring what I looked like. No reason to dress up for anyones inspection on a daily basis. I just didn’t care. Over the summer when my ex bf & I got together, I started doing it again. Spending like 2 hrs getting ready to go out everyday. Hair, makeup, outfit lol. It’s like I was back in HS. Not because I felt the need to impress him, but because I like dressing up nice for him. I wanted him to be proud of the girl he had in his life. He was anyway, but it made me feel better about myself & more confident as well. So a bit ago, I was getting ready to go out to the hospital to see my sil & it dawned on me that maybe if I “dressed up” more often my self esteem would improve. I noticeably feel better about myself when I spend the time to get ready & prepare for the day. I feel like people are more acceptive of someone who comes on as more presentable to the world. Not someone who just rolled outta bed, put on a pair of dirty jeans, brushes their hair up into a ponytail & goes about the day. Maybe I’ll start making this a daily regimen & see if it doesn’t help improve my self image a bit

I’M SO EXCITED TO SAY THAT WE HAVE A BABY BOY!!!!

My sister in law delivered a beautiful baby boy around 11:45 this morning! We are soo excited to finally be Aunts/Uncles!! This is my brother in laws first biological child (she has one from a previous relationship) & he is OVER THE MOON WITH EXCITEMENT! It was so cool to watch his face & the infinate love he was virtually bursting with for this precious little life, his son. He also had a new found respect for his fiance . As he was showing the most PDA I’ve ever seen him show . I’m so elated for them both & cannot wait to take my daughter out to see her new cousin when she gets outta school! I’ll post pics as soon as I’m able to get some!! My son is already green with jealousy . That’s HIS Uncle & HIS Grandpa. He’s not showing much interest in sharing the excitement at all. He clung to me for dear life the whole time we were there. I just kept reassuring him that he was always going to be “mamas baby boy” :).

When they were giving the baby his shots, my ex husband stood there gently talking to the little bundle & amazingly he didn’t even make a single cry. Even tho he was bawling before that. My ex just has this magic way with babies :). They love his calming voice. It’s the sweetest thing. My bil, I feel, was getting a tad jealous over this (he’s very emotional & takes things very personally), as he ran right over to show that he too could comfort his son..even tho it didn’t work :(. He’s so used to being the “uncle” that it’s going to take quite a transition into “daddy”. My ex was beside himself! The poor man was almost in tears over all this. He is so excited to finally have a nephew. He didn’t hardly say 2 words the whole way home. Just sat quietly pondering the days events. I know he was sad to know that his sister could not be here to see this new addition. She couldn’t have any children of her own, & adored everyone of her siblings children. She was the most excited over my SILs pregnancy. I keep telling him that she is watching ;). I hope that makes him feel better about it.

When we came home him & Leland both crashed for a nap. I know they both needed one Just wanted to share our good news for the week!!

HAPPY THANKSGIVING EVERYONE!!!!

I wanted to share this with all my buddies!  I got it in a WW newsletter & thought it had some pretty good tips!

Go ahead and have a slice of that pumpkin pie! We’ll show you how to enjoy your Thanksgiving holiday without feeling as though you’re competing with the turkey in the stuffed stakes.

Thanksgiving is almost here, and we all know what that can mean: lots of great food. But this celebration doesn’t have to leave you slumped on the sofa clutching your distended stomach. You can keep your weight-loss efforts on track and enjoy yourself.

It’s important to remember that Thanksgiving is just one day, not a whole week. One large meal won’t pile on the pounds. But if you are the type who feels guilty after just one sliver of pie, and uses this slip-up as an excuse to go on a week-long binge, it’s time to rethink your strategy. Make a plan that includes the special foods for which this holiday is known.

The game plan
Take some time before Thanksgiving to decide which foods you want to enjoy at your meal. It’s important to do this before you sit down to eat.

Imagine yourself sitting down to Thanksgiving dinner, says Maria Walls, RD, manager of program development for Weight Watchers International. Visualize the spread and decide how you’ll fill up your plate. Be sure to include your favorite items so that you don’t feel deprived and overeat later.

Here are some more tips for creating a strategy that will work.

Decide how much of a favorite food will satisfy you
If you cannot conceive of eating just a small piece of Aunt Millie’s famous pumpkin pie, cut out something else to account for the larger slice.
Select once-a-year foods
Choose to eat dishes that are just served on Thanksgiving; avoid those that show up at every meal. After all, do you really want sweet potatoes topped with melted marshmallows plus an ordinary baked spud?
Just say no
Practice creative ways to say “no” in case you get pressured by others to take seconds (or thirds).
There’s always tomorrow
If the meal is at your house, remember that there will be plenty of leftovers. If you won’t be able to sleep knowing that there’s half a pie in the kitchen, “freeze leftovers immediately or give your guests doggie bags to take home,” suggests Walls.
Stop when you’re full
Push yourself away from the table when you’ve had enough. If you’re not sitting within arm’s length of the biscuits, you’ll be less likely to overindulge.
All foods have benefits
Many Thanksgiving foods are packed with nutrients. For example, pumpkin pie is loaded with vitamin A (important for proper vision) and beta-carotene (a potentially powerful antioxidant). Green bean casserole and stuffing contain lots of folic acid (a B vitamin linked to the prevention of birth defects and, possibly, heart disease).
Broaden your focus
Make the holiday about more than just food. Focus on your friends and family and remember what you’re thankful for, like wearing a smaller size, more comfortably crossing your legs or feeling more confident about yourself.

And if, despite all your efforts, you end up feeling like you’re off the mark, put it all in perspective: “Don’t worry about it, just move on,” encourages Walls. Tomorrow’s a whole new day.
 

Wow! That was some drama yesterday huh?

I’ve kinda developed a new plan for the month of Dec. I’ve got to start giving some sort of effort here. Blaming all this on the cold weather just won’t do. It’s going to be cold all winter, so I might as well just get used to it or I’ll be right back where I started by next summer! That is something I certainly don’t want! I worked my butt off to lose these 50lbs, I sure don’t want to have to relose any of them if I can help it! I’m already back up to 220 just from this months “screw it” attitude! I don’t think that’s entirely it either. I just give up on working out when it’s cold like this out. I’ve also been stressed to the MAX this month. Could not seem to get my stuff together. I’ve had oodles of support & encouragement but it has just fallen on deaf ears.

I’ve been debating for a few days now about going in to talk to a doctor about getting on something to help me jump start this again. I feel completely out of control here lately. For instance, I made TWO peanut butter sandwiches right before bed last night! Needless to say, I woke up with my gallbladder freakin killing me! I know better than to do that crap. The bitch of it is, I don’t even know WHY I do it. It’s like I just have to have this hand to mouth movement going all the time. I’m not hungry, don’t even particularly have any cravings. Just feel like eating I guess. Kind of like a bowl of popcorn. Grazing is a good word for it. There is another buddslimmer buddy who is on a challenge for herself to stop the grazing. Maybe I should do something like that as well? I seem to have a major issue with it. I’ve never called myself an emotional eater. I’m not one to sit down with a carton of Haagendaz (sp?) & eat it all while bawling my eyes out in front of “Gone with the wind”. But last night I really got to thinking that maybe I AM an emotional eater. I may not take it to that extreme, but when I get stressed I certainly do notice I eat more than normal. It’s because during these stressful times I literally say “screw it all” & eat whatever I want. Then I sit back & chastise & critisize myself for what I just did. I go to bed feeling nauseous & guilty. I hate those feelings. I just want this to end. Then the worst part is when I say “hey why can’t i just be happy fat?”. I have friends who are fat & perfectly happy. Why can’t that be me? Hell the town I live in is infamous for making “fat look good”. There are girls that will walk around in bikini tops, daisy dukes & cowboy boots..wearing every bit of a size 28 or bigger. Now to me that’s just nasty but I guess to each their own. It just helps feed my “I should just stay fat” attitude. Which is NOT good at all.

I talked it over with the ex today about going in & getting on Phen. He seemed very supportive. He better be since he’ll be the one paying for it ;). I do realize that it’s not a miracle pill, but I can use all the help I can get at the moment. I think I am going to sit down & make out a whole new menu plan. When I was going to a personal trainer, she put me on a very strict, low salt, low fat, low carb plan. I ate roughly 6 small meals a day. I wasn’t really counting. I just know that I was told to eat every 3-4 hrs but under no circumstances was I to wait more than 4 hrs to eat again. Something about keeping your metabolism up to speed this way. Worked for me that’s all I know :). I may also just get back on WW. I know I talked about this a bit last month but I ended up saying no to that in exchange for getting this bodybugg that turned out to really just be a waste of money. WW def kept me on track when I was on it. It’s like those points (or calories) are precious! I didn’t want to waste them of just silly junk that wasn’t going to keep me full very long. I would rather have them to use during supper or a main meal kwim? LOL!

Alright so I think that’s a full catch up for now! I hope everyone has a wonderful Thanksgiving!!! Don’t eat too much stuffing & sweet potatoes…even tho that’s the main dish for me

When do you just say enough is enough already? I’ve been in this rut for weeks it seems. I am having a very difficult time pulling myself out of it. I know I’m damn tired of whinning about it! I’m the one usually posting about losing this amount & that amount…guess I’ve done a total turn around :(.

Stress just really wears a body out! Have you noticed that when you’re seriously stressed you may not binge but you def feel just drained of energy? Green Tea pills are out the window. Total waste of $10. But I guess I gotta try anything once. Maybe I should just break down & go talk to my doc about Phen? I’ve been thinking about it. I took it back in HS but certainly not faithfully. That’s when it was used in combination with another drug & called, Phen-Phen. I took it maybe 3 days. I was an air head back then & hated taking pills. So I didn’t notice any change in weight..just appetite. I couldn’t make myself eat if I wasn’t hungry. It’s like thinking about food other than when I was hungry, made me almost sick to my stomach lol. Anywho - guess we’ll just see how finances go.

I’m really am regretting my bodybugg purchase now. I know it sounded like a great idea & it is. But it leaves big purplish bruises on my arm where I wear it. So being that it is somewhat painful I put off wearing it at all. Thinking about sending it back & perhaps using that money toward a treadmill down the road sometime. Who knows. Thank you all for your comments & prayers about our situation. Things are back up & running in that department. Apparently they were underpaid $37 so they had a FIT & shut us off! It got down to -2 last night! Good thing we didn’t stay here with the kids